veggie burger sandwich for the culinarily inept - 30 step guide
1. pour a tin of DRAINED kidney beanz into a big bowl
2. smoosh da fuk out of da beanz
3. chop up some sundried tomato into tiny bitz
4. chop up four spring onions (dats what dey are right???) into tiny, tiny bits
5. get a generous handful of spinach and make it into a ball with your hand
6. chop it up into tiny tiny tiny tiny pieces
7. do the same to 2x cloves of garlic
8. pour all of these veg bitz into bowl of kidney smush
9. 4x teaspoons of soy soss into bowl of kidney bean smush
10. get cheap wine
11. pour 4x teaspoons of said cheap wine into bowl of smush
12. pour 3x teaspoons of mushroom soup into bowl of smush
13. season the fuck out of the bowl of vegetable guts with your favourite things. cayenne pepper is good.
14. get a piece of brown bread and crumble it into tiny bits. tiny tiny crumbs.
15. like dis. then get a spoon and mix it until it looks adequately vile
16. put your hand in and grab a chunk. if you are a hippie you probably don’t know what an actual burger looks like but they are usually round and blob shaped.
17. crack two eggs into a bowl (sorry vegans)
18. pour some flour into another bowl
19. place the blob of vegbean mush into the bowl with egg in it. it will be disgusting and you will have to try and hold it together, because it is just squidgy mush. the egg is like glue and someone that knows how to cook could probably offer some other, better, healthier alternative to chicken period but dis is wat we got.
20. now put eggy vegbean mush into flour. I found that keeping it in my hand and patting the flour on worked better but my hands look fat from that iphone angle.
21. there are two potential outcomes here.
outcome 1: after you put it in flour, you flop the mush straight onto an oven tray (or fry it)
a. you get another bowl and put some breadcrumbs in it. we didn’t have enough breadcrumbs but we had left over fajita shit so we used that instead.
b. you place the flour-vegbean mush back into the egg
c. you then pat on the breadcrumbs.
It will look like a problem. Which is why you won’t upload it to instagram yet.
22. Place your burgers onto an oven tray. You probably could fry them but I was wearing clothes that I didn’t want to smell like veggie burger, so I chose not to.
23. Fill up a lid with some olive oil and pour it over the burgers
24. Cut up some mozzarella cheese. Wait til the burgers have been cooking for 10 minutes and then flip them over. They shoulve started to harden. We don’t know what settings to put it on because our oven doesn’t have any numbers on it. When you flip it over, add the mozzarella to the top.
25. Politely request that your accomplice prepare you some roll ups (if you smoke) while you wash your hands cos you are probably having a nervous breakdown, cos like. obviously you can’t cook.
26. Do not burn the mozzarella because you take too long having a cigarette. Place it on some wholemeal bread.
27. Get as many different varieties of cheese and place it on top of the burger. Add lettuce, spinach etc if you have any in your fridge also.
28. Add some kind of condiment to the other slice of bread because veggie burgers are not fully renowned for taste. Though these were good.
29. Use reject burgers instead of salad because you’ve already used the vegetables you had left. Probably.
30. add some black pepper and cut the sandwhich down the middle so you can put the burger sandwich on instagram.